Thursday, February 6, 2014

Grief Sucks


We went to get our taxes done on Monday. We took the exact route past the hospital to get to the appointment. I have driven this route, realistically, about 500 times in a year. To and from for quick showers and kisses from Chloe. To and from for clean underwear and my phone charger. To and from for fresh air and to remember what the "real world" felt like. Sometimes I was optimistic. Sometimes I would scream at the windshield and slam my fists so hard on the steering wheel I thought for sure the air bag would go off. Sometimes I would drive, get home, and not recall driving, as if I was sleeping with my eyes open. We took this route on Monday and I felt it coming on, a mini panic attack. I didn't let Chloe see, which I was happy about....Justin held my hand....and told me it's okay.....As soon we passed the hospital I felt exhausted and wiped out. Sunday, the day before, was tough for me too. Sundays are hard for me......I cried at Austin's grave for awhile.......
Which brings us to tonight. Therapy went well.... I learned a lot about myself.......I am Not Superman (Superwoman...whatever) As much as I feel like I am(or want to be).
I am not immune to pain and emotions......I am not indestructible.....
Once I figured that out I allowed myself to feel what I feel and not fight it.........This, I think will be revolutionary for me........I need to ride the wave and not fight it......It will only make it worse.....
Another thing that has been heavy on my mind is the more I learn about grief, as a whole, the more it freaks me out........I read something that said.."some of your friends will get weighed down by your grief, and sadness....they may begin to distance themselves...because the weight of your situation may be overwhelming to them"
Well that sucks....I have made some real, amazing, authentic, friends......and I am going to be honest I am terrified to lose those relationships...So I learned I have a tendency to distance myself from people when I am feeling low.....What I learned tonight is that some people are in your life for a "season" some part of the season, some all and after the season......But what is beautiful about that is they are here ( or not here) for a reason to give you ( or not give you) the perspective you need......
I also learned that I am a caretaker.....I take care of others first.....which when it comes to grief...Is not the best thing.......Caretakers have so many great qualities, but they don't put themselves first......I am thinking of my friends feelings.....when I need to feel what I feel, and not worry how it affect the others.....but I don't want to be a burden.............The one time I did REALLY let my friends in......I felt so much better and so much closer to them......After a night of fun with my girlfriends.....I spilled the beans about Austin's last day..All the details that haunt me.....I remember them being there with me.....on the floor, crying with me.....hugging me.......wiping my snot.......and just listening.........I haven't felt that close to anyone (besides my husband)....let alone a handful of friends......in a really long time........I am lucky to have them.....I love them so much.......
On another note! I have mailed out the invites to the Because We Can Blankets for Babies North Dakota Event! This blessing has occupied my mind and allowed me to pour my busy energy into this....and feel so close to Austin......If you would like an invite/don't receive one in the next day email me crystal.friesz@yahoo.com

Justin and I went to the Gary Allen concert last week.......It was amazing......I sobbed most of the concert.....Here was my view
.....Just little man saying "Hi Mom, I'm Okay"