Friday, April 25, 2014

Eh, Skip this one...read the next one

Why do I write now only when I am in pain. Surely it would be much better for people to read if it was happy or upbeat, but then I remember grief doesn't care. So I guess I dont either. I can't be the only person feeling this. I just can't.

Just as every day has a night, so has my grief. The dark is inevitable and cold, and lonely. Does it feel better knowing the day will break....no. It doesn't help me right now. The rumble of the clouds wash over me, and I am again reminded of the ocean. My thoughts go to the ocean often during both times of joy and sadness. But the difference is the ocean at night verses at day....Same location two very different looking landscapes. Washing relentless waves, beating my skin raw. It doesn't care my flesh is broken and stinging from the salt. It doesn't care. When do your tears dry up? I used to think it was when my mascara was completely wiped off and freshly absorbed into my sleeve and shirt collar. But they dont. They keep coming. They dont care.  Its Easter time and what is everywhere? My Kryptonite. Little toddler suits and bow ties and suspenders. Twinges of jealousy. That is a new feeling. Jealousy. Not with people I know. Just on commercials or random people at Target with their healthy happy babies. Yes, I know everyone has a story or battle blah blah blah blah. That is not helping me. I dont care. I am selfish in my pain right now. I hate this side of how I feel. I avoid it and try to ignore it. But apparently that is not healthy in this process. I can't see all my gifts in my life through all my tears. Its blurring my reality. These damn tears. They dont care. The song at HomeDepot. The boy named Austin ringing up my purchase. The Bow ties and suspenders. The new babies. These damn tears. They dont care. People care. I DO know people care.    

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Flat

I went to a catholic retreat a little over a week ago. It resolved many of my issues I had with God. I remember Momma J asked if I would come to this retreat and I said "I'm pretty upset with God Im not sure if that is a great place for me to be. We are not really friends right now God and I" Her response was "then you really should come." So I did. It was amazing. I feel a peace with my relationship with Him. I am so grateful for that.
I have been struggling. Im tired of struggling. Two steps forward 2.5 back. I need to go back to Austin's birth, relive that and feel that worry and stress and the unknown. I need to go back to Austin's first seizure at 12 days old and relive that. I need to go back to walking, with my tiny new baby in my arms, into the ICU...the smell....the sounds......the temperature....the blood draws.....I need to go back to bringing 5 medicines home trying to get him to drink them and watching him choke and gag and aspirate. I need to go back to him stopping breathing and turning grey and then blue. I need to go back to all of these and thousands more of these events. This is painful and I dont want to. But I have to. I have to walk through these things, but I feel I have God with me to help me through now......maybe thats why I haven't began this process yet.....I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. I need Him and His divine help. The longer I wait to process these things the more panic I feel. I lay in bed and I see terrible things we went through.....terrible specific things.. like how his face looked when he was seizing...the panic in his eyes when he would stop breathing, his cry drown out by the bag when I would resuscitate him and he was coming back around.....The time I couldn't find the bag and did mouth to mouth...watching them take him away before surgeries...........These images seared into my mind flare up, and burn down days at a time. Catching a glimpse of the newspaper headline 'Seize the day'....the word Seize......twinge in my heart......well, there goes that day...
I am learning that just one of the hundreds of events we endured would cripple a person.....How am I going to sift through all of this?
I want to be done now. I don't want to get knocked on my ass over and over and over again.....Yes, I get back up...every time.......big deal.. but now I am like beaten puppy flinching at everything anticipating the next blow.......its been 8 months......why does it feel like month one.........time sucks...................Going to Austin's grave used to give me a sense of peace....now it makes me sad....WHICH IS IT? now that isn't even consistent for me?
How can I feel at peace with God, and comfort in His love....Yet struggle soooo much.......I know the cross I bear is heavy and I know God helps me carry it....makes it lighter for me.....but I think, up until now, I have not admitted I even had a cross......so no matter how much God helps me lighted my cross.....it still is a cross.......

My therapist told me something beautiful.... "Crystal...before.... you were a lovey, purple, mold of clay in the shape of a cup.....This trama has smashed you down flat.....but guess what........ you're still clay...you're still lovely....... and you're still purple....who knows what you'll be next?......maybe a beautiful vase?...maybe a figurine?....will you ever been that cup that you were before?.....no.....you may become something even better......." (I'm paraphrasing)

Right now I am the flat part before I am formed again....I ask you for your prayers for God's hands to mold me into what he want me to be...........perhaps a tea cup?
 Thanks for listening.....I feel a little better....I love you all