Sunday, August 3, 2014

The school of faith

Today marks 376 days you have been gone, Austin. You were on earth for 376 days.376 and 376. Weird. How these two measurable times can feel so vastly different. My time with Austin, in my head, feels much longer....much longer than how long I have been without him.....I know its because of what I learned in my 376 days with Austin. I went from a freshmen in faith...clueless, uncomfortable and lost...(but hey! at least I was enrolled) ..... to a graduate student...still very much learning, but I now know my way around campus, the party phase is done, and I am focused..... As a freshman in faith, as I call it, talking about faith or God made me uncomfortable....I didn't know all the prayers that everyone else seemed to know....I didn't feel connected or moved like everyone else seemed to.....the people that I knew that were followers of Christ were.....ahhhhh....ok lets just say it, weird.......Then I met the man that would be my husband....then I met his family.........Regular people, fun people, athletic people, people with senses of humor and struggles and love and most importantly a faith that was so deep it seemed to radiate off of them.....I wanted that.....but wasn't quite sure how to get it..... I married into it, practiced it, and did all the things I was supposed to..But it still wasn't quite right.....I didnt feel what they felt no matter how much I wanted to, I just didnt..... My cynical side would perk up......and the controversy in the church only fueled that cynicism.... Then...... I had Chloe. My attitude softened some.... I was more pleasant attending church and became smidge more comfortable around people that spoke openly about God. Chloe's birth had opened the door, and I only needed to walk through....but I didnt. I hung out with the door open....peek through to the other side now and then.....but never step through........................................... Enter Austin................................ My newborn son picked me up and gently carried me through God's door. In that moment, I didn't fear what was on the other side... Its like love.....you cant describe it, it is just a feeling...all encompassing.....I haven't looked back since Do I still struggle with my faith?....Yes, absolutely. But I have learned thats okay. Do I still question certain interpretations of the bible?....yes I do, I have learned that is okay. Do I still rage at God in times of weakness?.....often....and that is ok. Today's service at EagleBrooke Church Woodbury was powerful and extremely difficult for me. It was about fear. Our worst fear came true. We were in the darkest of dark. But we didn't surrender it to... we continued to search for the light......we shifted, we reached, and felt for the light. Its warmth. Something to fix our eyes upon. As we did that we asked for help. We asked for the light. We asked for guidance...what we got....what we got was the brightest warmest light of them all. God's perfect love. That...... and that alone is what drives out our fear.