Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Well, everything is changing. Which is bitter sweet. When things change, time moves. When time moves, I feel like Austin is getting left behind. When nothing changes it feels like time hasn't passed and Austin is still here. I look around my home and every inch of this place tells a story. A seizure here. A strong PT session lifting his head over there. Fetal position tears on the floor over here, and joyous giggles over there. I have lived in this beautiful, clean box of memories with Austin. Everywhere I look in my home I think of Austin. Some good, happy times, some pure terror.......We are currently building our dream home which will be completed in 60 days. I am reaching a goal I have had all my life. I have pinned thousands of pins on pinterest on home design never really believing I would have.......well now we are...... My husband has worked so hard and we have been conservative with our money for this goal. Building our forever home. We are so blessed to be able to do this. We are so ridiculously lucky. As this day comes closer, I realize there will be no memories of Austin in this new home. I know new, amazing memories will happen in this new home. Chloe's first day of kindergarten, Charlotte's first steps....tears about boys at the kitchen table and midnight snacks by the glow of the refrigerator, Christmas morning and Sunday football...... I know this. I also know I will always look at my family eating supper at the kitchen table and wonder where Austin would sit, how tall would he be now, would he like carrots? Wonder how he would interact with his sisters, and what color he would want his room to be......Symbolism is everywhere for me, always. This new home represents my future. I once again have two choices, to carry pain and hurt, and heaviness into a brand new, light, untarnished space......... Or I can find new ways to remember. I can sprinkle good memories in this new space. I can find new ways to thrive. New angles to see....... It easy right now. I just look around my home and I am reminded. Now, I will have to work a little harder to remind myself of the blessings. Paint and design my future how I choose. My home now has held all my firsts.... College degree, marriage, my first reliable car, my first real job, pregnancy, my first born, her first steps, Austin, and Charlotte Mae.... In the future when I drive by this lovely, end-unit townhome I will only think of one thing. My sweet Austin.

She's Here!

Just a quick post to say Charlotte Mae Friesz made her grand entrance on Tuesday June 9th at 4:10am. 8 pounds 15 ounces of pure beauty! She is doing really well. She sleeps pretty well for a newborn. She is gaining weight and showing no signs of any issues. She was born with a birthmark in between her eyes and a stork bite on the back of her neck ( scared the SH%* out of me the first 2 weeks) but now I think its a nod to Austin. I am working through my anxiety. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. But I am leaning on my faith and Austin to work through that. I love her so much already it scares me....Last time I felt like this it didn't end well. But again, overall I am doing well. Happy and scared something will come up at the same time....Its a weird combo of feelings, but I still feel so blessed. Chloe is the best big sister. Just like you would imagine, but even better. She is so gentle and is able to calm Charlotte in the car! Justin is completely head over heels......Another lady with her daddy wrapped around her finger.....I have so much to post but sleep deprivation is not allowing time to sit and write but I will soon.....I've learned so much about myself the last 3 weeks...... With newborn spit-up and snuggly nervous love, Chloe,Austin, and Charlotte's mom (holy crap I have 3 kids!)

This is Tougher than I thought

I have between 2-4 weeks left of my pregnancy. I have sailed through this process with the exception of the 20 week ultrasound week. That was stressful. The ultrasound came back, great, normal. Now I have hit a wall. Pandoras box is open. I am imagining the worst. ALmost preparing my soul for terrible terrible things so it won't come as such a shock to the system like Austin was. With Austin we had clear check ups and a perfect ultrasound. Everything was kosher with him. Until he was born..... I remember the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy with Austin feeling a weird repetitive kick. Justin and I were watching Americas Got Talent and I called him over...."You feel that?" "Yeah." "That feels weird, its not hiccups, I don't like it." And that was it. I never talked about it again. When Austin was 12 days old in the NICU and I watch his foot, tick, tick, tick, in a fast motion.....I knew in my heart what I was feeling those last 5 weeks, he was seizing in utero. There is not any documentation (besides 3 cases in Japan) of seizures in utero. But I knew in my heart. I knew that is what was happening. All through Austin's life I had such a feeling. I just kinda knew things, my motherly intuition, no matter how terrifying, was ALWAYS right....ALways. Fast forward to today. I knew that when this baby girl would start having hiccups I knew this would be a trigger for me....It's rhythmic, repetitive...Sure enough at the end of March I started feeling them. It was terrifying. I would pause the TV. Hold my breath. Count. Wait. Painfully wait for them to stop. Then I would have this little worry in my head for the rest of the day. As the month of April progressed I forced myself to the accept the hiccups. I would say a little prayer every time and take all my energy to not let it taint my day. Now this little girl decided she wants to press out with her foot in a somewhat rhythmic pattern. Not like Austin did. Austin's felt like a tick, tick, tick......She likes to tiny push, tiny push, tiny push..... But enough for me to lose it. I've talked with my midwife about it. She is not worried. Shes wants me to be emotionally okay. She wants me to stay calm. It happens sometimes several times a day, this foot push thing the baby does. Somedays not at all. There are not 2 Sturge-Weber babies in a family. It is not hereditary, it has nothing to do with egg or sperm quality. Doctors call it a biological anomaly in the early stages of development. Biological anomaly, I hate that word. I met with a high risk doctor, had a battery of tests, and was cleared and deemed "unremarkable and boring" in terms of reproductive health....which I, of course, found great comfort in....... So, I do not think this baby girl has Sturge-Weber. I am just worried about EVERYTHING else that could be wrong. Epilepsy, or some other terrible neurological disorder, or maybe the delivery goes wrong, or the cord.....like I said, pandoras box is open and its ugly.... There's no shutting it for me. I find no comfort in you can handle whatever is thrown at you.... or, Im sure she's fine... I would say the same thing to myself....but my anxiety has completely taken over reality. I am not thinking rationally... I am trying to stay calm because I share a body with this baby. But there is a small cloud of doubt and darkness following me. I have been through hell. And being pregnant again is bringing out all my fears. I am hoping for the best and, in a way, preparing for the worst. It's sad the write that. What a crappy place to be.....it's not me....... But it is real. It's where I am at. My midwife said it will be 6 months before I will exhale. Before I will believe that she is okay. I can see that. I've made it though 90% of what I knew would be one of the most difficult things in my life...and thats saying a lot after all I've been through....I just need to push through this last 10%.....everything is out of my hands......and in God's....what will happen is already written......Just please Jesus, let her be healthy. Let me look back at this time, as a time of insecurity ....and let it only help my faith grow stronger.... God I thank you for Justin. Thank you for picking him for me to journey with... He has held me up, let me cry, let me be weak, and been quick to forgive, and always willing to listen...Even in my darkness I am still in awe of all the light you have given me.................................. With weary love, Austin's mom

Unstoppable

The message at church today was titled "Unstoppable." It got me thinking....like every good church should do. Growing up I always felt unstoppable. I always had an I-got-this an Eye-of-the-tiger kinda of mentality. Growing up wasn't at all easy and I was given an extraordinary amount of responsibility at a very young age (as the oldest children of divorce tend to have) My childhood only amplified my Eye-of-the-tiger..I-got-this mentality. Somewhere along my life this mentality morphed into me doing everything for myself. EVERYTHING. If you are close to me, you have offered help in some way or another. And what have I said? "No, but thank you though!" Sound familiar? I had a friend finally say, "JUST LET ME LOVE YOU!" and it hit me... I have not only done this in my relationships with close friends but with God and my faith too.... "I got this".....push the fear and anxiety down...."No thanks, I got this"....I'll figure something out all by myself...."I got this" For those of you who may not know, I am 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child. (its another girl!) And as you can imagine this time has been laced with fear and intertwined with anxiety....Having a normal pregnancy with Austin and then having everything fall apart the way it did.....All of it.....being pregnant again it just instills a fear....BUT I would be crippled by this process if I didn't hear His words recently... "Just let me love you....let me help you...." I know if I didn't have my faith this process would be completely unbearable. The fear would swallow me whole. No doubt. But God's persistence and love and by allowing Him in, has benefitted me tremendously. I know my faith in God doesn't mean I will get a perfectly healthy baby, and my delivery will be perfect and everything will be perfect perfect perfect....what it does mean is no matter what happens, I will be okay. We will be okay. For me, letting others love me and take care of me is not easy. I will continue to work on it. But I am so grateful for those in my life who show me how. Namely, my husband. Talk about an exercise in persistence. You, sir, love me at my most unloveable. 11 years of work and patience....you deserve the worlds largest, prettiest, most fantastic metal....but I guess you will have to settle with your 3 children and my love that will have to do...............Sarah, Nicole and Shelly, Thank you for your persistence, INSISTENCE, and patience with me. I have learned so much about myself through your love. I will let you love me!!!!

With Unstoppable Love, Austin's Mom