This is Tougher than I thought

I have between 2-4 weeks left of my pregnancy. I have sailed through this process with the exception of the 20 week ultrasound week. That was stressful. The ultrasound came back, great, normal. Now I have hit a wall. Pandoras box is open. I am imagining the worst. ALmost preparing my soul for terrible terrible things so it won't come as such a shock to the system like Austin was. With Austin we had clear check ups and a perfect ultrasound. Everything was kosher with him. Until he was born..... I remember the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy with Austin feeling a weird repetitive kick. Justin and I were watching Americas Got Talent and I called him over...."You feel that?" "Yeah." "That feels weird, its not hiccups, I don't like it." And that was it. I never talked about it again. When Austin was 12 days old in the NICU and I watch his foot, tick, tick, tick, in a fast motion.....I knew in my heart what I was feeling those last 5 weeks, he was seizing in utero. There is not any documentation (besides 3 cases in Japan) of seizures in utero. But I knew in my heart. I knew that is what was happening. All through Austin's life I had such a feeling. I just kinda knew things, my motherly intuition, no matter how terrifying, was ALWAYS right....ALways. Fast forward to today. I knew that when this baby girl would start having hiccups I knew this would be a trigger for me....It's rhythmic, repetitive...Sure enough at the end of March I started feeling them. It was terrifying. I would pause the TV. Hold my breath. Count. Wait. Painfully wait for them to stop. Then I would have this little worry in my head for the rest of the day. As the month of April progressed I forced myself to the accept the hiccups. I would say a little prayer every time and take all my energy to not let it taint my day. Now this little girl decided she wants to press out with her foot in a somewhat rhythmic pattern. Not like Austin did. Austin's felt like a tick, tick, tick......She likes to tiny push, tiny push, tiny push..... But enough for me to lose it. I've talked with my midwife about it. She is not worried. Shes wants me to be emotionally okay. She wants me to stay calm. It happens sometimes several times a day, this foot push thing the baby does. Somedays not at all. There are not 2 Sturge-Weber babies in a family. It is not hereditary, it has nothing to do with egg or sperm quality. Doctors call it a biological anomaly in the early stages of development. Biological anomaly, I hate that word. I met with a high risk doctor, had a battery of tests, and was cleared and deemed "unremarkable and boring" in terms of reproductive health....which I, of course, found great comfort in....... So, I do not think this baby girl has Sturge-Weber. I am just worried about EVERYTHING else that could be wrong. Epilepsy, or some other terrible neurological disorder, or maybe the delivery goes wrong, or the cord.....like I said, pandoras box is open and its ugly.... There's no shutting it for me. I find no comfort in you can handle whatever is thrown at you.... or, Im sure she's fine... I would say the same thing to myself....but my anxiety has completely taken over reality. I am not thinking rationally... I am trying to stay calm because I share a body with this baby. But there is a small cloud of doubt and darkness following me. I have been through hell. And being pregnant again is bringing out all my fears. I am hoping for the best and, in a way, preparing for the worst. It's sad the write that. What a crappy place to be.....it's not me....... But it is real. It's where I am at. My midwife said it will be 6 months before I will exhale. Before I will believe that she is okay. I can see that. I've made it though 90% of what I knew would be one of the most difficult things in my life...and thats saying a lot after all I've been through....I just need to push through this last 10%.....everything is out of my hands......and in God's....what will happen is already written......Just please Jesus, let her be healthy. Let me look back at this time, as a time of insecurity ....and let it only help my faith grow stronger.... God I thank you for Justin. Thank you for picking him for me to journey with... He has held me up, let me cry, let me be weak, and been quick to forgive, and always willing to listen...Even in my darkness I am still in awe of all the light you have given me.................................. With weary love, Austin's mom