How to be a Mom to an Angel

I know my work as a mom with Austin isn't finished. My physical job of caring for him is over. I will not change is diapers. I will not scare monsters away from under the bed. I will not take his picture before getting on the school bus with an oversized backpack and Velcro superman shoes. I will not embarrass him in front of his first girlfriend. I will not mirror the woman I would want him to marry. I will not guide him through the tough first weeks at college. These things I will not do. It sucks. But my work isn't done with him. Sometimes, for me, living like Jesus would is hard. Its too far of a concept. Its too unattainable. But to live like Austin would want me to seems attainable. Hard. But attainable. So I ask myself. Every.Single.Day. What would Austin want me to do? And for some reason I always know the answer. He would want me to go to therapy. Not just anyone. A specialist who deals with the death of children. He would want me to not follow my knee- jerk reaction to cancel the appointment the night before. He would want me to show up and recklessly throw myself into the hell, pain and fear of those days. He would want me to ugly face cry, be pissed off, stomp around and rage for that one hour in therapy. He would want me to then let it go on the 61st minute. He would want me to know I did good work. That I can sit with this pain. Feel it, purge it, digest it. And then........be okay. It doesn't have to be Pandora's box. I can close it and open it as I choose. I am strong. I am in control. I can do it. Austin would want me to know this. This would make Austin happy. This would make Austin feel cared for. By taking care of my emotional self, I am being a good mom to Austin. That is how I will be his mom now. Would I rather care for him like I do my daughters? Of fricken course. So much easier. But I can't.......................................... So that's what I have been doing for the last month and a half. I have been in, what I would call intense, specialized therapy. I am reading Austin's caringbridge during my session. We are at the point when Austin was 12 weeks old and they found a mass near Austin's spine and we are just about to be told that it is cancer......It. is. hard. With my plethora of vocabulary I still cant think of a better word. Gut wrenching, perhaps? Pain and panic inducing? I don't want to go there I just want to leave it all behind. Leave it in the dust. But I can't. Its like my shadow. Coming out on the sunny days, blocking out the warmth. I have developed some ridiculous anxiety because I haven't dealt with or processed what I went through. Reading caringbridge to my therapist I am like a random Austin follower. I don't recall writing those words. I am reading them for the first time.........I follow her journey. She paints a honest and heartbreaking and beautiful picture. She is honest but strives for the light. I am proud of her. She, is me. I, am her. I am proud of myself. I have a hard time connecting the dots. That was me writing then and this is me now. Alive and still breathing. Austin wants me to not just live and breath though. He wants me to be the best I can here on earth until we are reunited in Heaven. He wants me to find my way back. And if that's what my baby wants, well then that's what my baby gets. I am on a mission. A mission of health. Mind, body and soul. There has been a shift in me. Those closest to me feel it and see it. This therapy, my hard work, my diet, my workouts are changing me. I am excited. I am refreshed. I am finally getting healthy. In every sense of the word. 949 days days after Austin took his last breath, I feel like I am taking my first. I am taking no prisioners. I am on fire. I am reborn. Who's coming with me. To all my friends who have been with me through this hell. Thank you. Thank you for never giving up and always seeing me inside my grief. Life is good. I'm taking it....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... For those of you who would like to read Austin's journey on Caringbridge here is the link:( you will need to copy and past it in your browser) ............ Some like to know it all, some don't and that's okay. Read at your own Risk. Its an emotional beautiful amazingly terrible journey that not all are meant to take..... Click 'Journal' and then Sort Old to New to start from the beginning http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/austinfriesz