Reminisce

I have not posted in quite a while. There are a lot of reasons for this. I am scared of what I might say. Having a record of it, reading it years down the road and then cringing. But this is reality. It is unavoidable. It is my life............ You know when a kid falls down....hard.................. and every mom gasps and holds her breath.................... and the kid doesn't respond right away......then BAM the kid loses it,... like snot-dripping, red-faced, blood-curdling-screams loses it........................ We all knew it was coming, the kid fell hard, there's no way that didn't hurt. Well, I am that kid. And after a year and four months, 506 long days,... I am that screaming, snot-dripping, red-faced kid. I am feeling the full and absolute effect of this pain. Is it because others are no longer acknowledging my son? Is it because this is just the cruel progression of grief in the loss of a child? Is this just me, and how long it takes for me to process things? The Holidays? What!? So many questions and still no answers. I have forgotten who I was before this. Completely. Until this afternoon. I was cleaning out a my desk drawer when I came across a small hand held video recorder we purchased after Chloe was born. I found the USB cord and watched the videos on my computer. And there I was, in all my glory.... She was pretty, and lively, and stoked about everything... almost annoyingly so. She was full of life, but not naive. Smart, and quick witted. Just happy and unapologetic. She was genuinely happy. Not the kind of happy people fake when the camera is on....but a happy you could feel, a bright yellow light. I envied her. My mind didn't make the connection that we me. I watched it as a third person not even on purpose, simply because I didn't recognize her. I cannot believe that was me. She was me. I ache to be that girl. I am so worn and tired compared to her. I got a glimpse into how I used to be. And I was awesome. I dont even care how that sounds. I had it together. A blossoming career, a new baby, I was looking fit and trim, and had a good man. I had the world by the cojones.................. I know it was a few quick glimpses into the past. I know there are such things as rose-colored glasses. I know there was struggles then too. But I didn't wear them on me like I do now. How do I get back? Is there any going back? Can I just have it a little? I knew who I was when Austin was here. I was that same awesome girl, with a hell of a responsibility. I dont know who I am now that he is gone. My faith has waivered. After all this time. In hard times with Austin my faith was untouchable. And now it is shattered?? I don't understand it. I don't understand much anymore. But I do know a couple things. I have a husband who loves me, a daughter who amazes me everyday, and a very few select friends who will not let me go. No matter how much I want to be left alone. That is all I know. That's it. And I guess I have to learn to be okay with that right now.