Friday, September 4, 2015

Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

Well, everything is changing. Which is bitter sweet. When things change, time moves. When time moves, I feel like Austin is getting left behind. When nothing changes it feels like time hasn't passed and Austin is still here. I look around my home and every inch of this place tells a story. A seizure here. A strong PT session lifting his head over there. Fetal position tears on the floor over here, and joyous giggles over there. I have lived in this beautiful, clean box of memories with Austin. Everywhere I look in my home I think of Austin. Some good, happy times, some pure terror.......We are currently building our dream home which will be completed in 60 days. I am reaching a goal I have had all my life. I have pinned thousands of pins on pinterest on home design never really believing I would have.......well now we are...... My husband has worked so hard and we have been conservative with our money for this goal. Building our forever home. We are so blessed to be able to do this. We are so ridiculously lucky. As this day comes closer, I realize there will be no memories of Austin in this new home. I know new, amazing memories will happen in this new home. Chloe's first day of kindergarten, Charlotte's first steps....tears about boys at the kitchen table and midnight snacks by the glow of the refrigerator, Christmas morning and Sunday football...... I know this. I also know I will always look at my family eating supper at the kitchen table and wonder where Austin would sit, how tall would he be now, would he like carrots? Wonder how he would interact with his sisters, and what color he would want his room to be......Symbolism is everywhere for me, always. This new home represents my future. I once again have two choices, to carry pain and hurt, and heaviness into a brand new, light, untarnished space......... Or I can find new ways to remember. I can sprinkle good memories in this new space. I can find new ways to thrive. New angles to see....... It easy right now. I just look around my home and I am reminded. Now, I will have to work a little harder to remind myself of the blessings. Paint and design my future how I choose. My home now has held all my firsts.... College degree, marriage, my first reliable car, my first real job, pregnancy, my first born, her first steps, Austin, and Charlotte Mae.... In the future when I drive by this lovely, end-unit townhome I will only think of one thing. My sweet Austin.