Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Your Birthday

HI Austin, This Saturday you would be 2 years old. I have danced around my feelings this week. I feel the lump in my throat at all times and the weight on my chest with every breath...... Just waiting to burst like a damn with a weak spot...... But I dont want to deal with it. Im not ready. It's there, tapping on the back of my head. I worry if I start to feel too much and I fall apart I may not be able to put myself back together. I worry I won't remember how to put the pieces back. I worry that this time....this time it will do me in. So I stay busy waiting for what feels like the right time to let it all out. Whatever that may mean.... I wish your birth and you death weren't so close together. It's confusing. I remember you had a seizure on your birthday. And I prayed, well more like screamed, at God so loud. I remember throwing my head back "Not on his birthday! You better not, not today." I called Justin to come home. Chloe was at school. We gave you your emergency med and then you slept. But this seizure was different. You eyes were fixed and distant and I knew you were looking at God. I knew you were checking it out up there. Seeing what heaven is about. Every breath....every moment.....it was me and you.... and I knew then, in that moment, it was you and God. I was just another person on earth....and you were becoming an angel on earth.... My duty of getting you to heaven was coming to an end...We spent the next few days recovering from that seizure...Then about a week later you were looking at God again. And that was the last time I saw your eyes............................................................................. But not the last time I felt you..... Or saw your signs.... Or smelt your baby smell.....Or felt your love.....Or saw the ripple effect of your life.....You bless me with these things all the time.......... So as we approach this day, the day of your birth I have a favor to ask......If I keep my faith high and my eyes open will you help my heart......I know it may shatter but please continue to help me put it back together again....... I love you so much........ Love Mom....... ................................................................................................................................................................. * A note to our followers....Please consider donating so I can buy fabric for a Blankets for Babies event in Minnesota. $5 $10 every penny helps!!! There is information on the left side of the page..... Click on the 'Give' button....next click on Austins picture....that will take you to the main page .....then scroll over the picture to see a video about Blankets for Babies...Chloe makes a cameo! Love you all!!! Here are some pictures from Austin's birthday.

2 comments:

  1. Prayers are with u and the family. God is so good and we don't have the answer why he took our loved one. Knowing we have special angels in heaven and they are not suffering makes my days ahead easier, don't get me wrong I missed and love my loved one, but FAITH Gets us through this difficult journey of life. Be Strong, Luv u Cindy Friesz

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  2. Love and peace to all...."had we not loved ..we would not grief!"..... I miss you Austin and sister Gladys but I know you are both with Jesus where all is healed and perfect and that is something "I can only imagine"

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