That Sound

Two things seem to trigger my PTSD....and let me know how just human I am. 1) Something substantially good happens....a pay raise/a new big purchase/a successful month of health............. 2) Having a little bit of time to myself... On the surface these two things would seem wonderful! But, for me and my PTSD it seems to be a trigger. I often not get "too happy" because then I am waitin' for the bus of PTSD to drive over me.... Lately I have had both, many good things happening and a little bit of time on my hands..... The sound of Justin screaming my name and the ground of our second floor townhome shaking as he ran toward me..... jolted me awake, it was a flash back dream.....and as real as the day it happened. Jesus help me. I call to You because its 2am, and it would be rude to wake up Justin or call someone....I don't call to You Jesus because I am a good follower(I am not a pro at this faith thing yet)....I call to You because I have no other options ( Sorry Jesus you're a last resort sometimes....I'm working on that) That scream. My name. Screamed. From Justin. Calm, quiet, warm Justin. I will never forget that sound. It was not human. I know that sound. That sound came out of me when they told me Austin had cancer. It haunts me randomly. Sometimes as I take a shower I think I can hear him screaming for me. Sometime I even turn off the water and listen....Just in case..... I sit in this moment and let it wash over me because fighting it is useless...My therapist has taught me I am safe so I can feel it now....I don't numb it with alcohol or pills. Or hide from it under the blankets on sunny Sunday afternoon.... I just sit in it and let it take me where it will, because I know I am safe now, and I know Jesus. I know He's looking out for me, so I've got that going for me. It was a sunny day, I remember. Austin was about 7 months old. I hadn't slept for more than 20 minutes in 2 days. I asked Justin to hold Austin for an hour so I could rest. I did what every caretaker did of a chronically ill child. I spent 30 minutes prepping for my 1 hour departure. Feeding tube filled, oximeter on, oxygen ready, his 5 11am meds prepped, diapers/wipes, emergency meds ready if needed, seizure timer ready, right down to fluffing the pillow Justin likes to use under his arm when he holds Austin for an extended period. Check, check, check.......But most importantly I went over, in great detail, the intercom.....How Justin should press the red button and it will page me if he has a seizure and I will come running. It was very important that I made Justin feel safe and comfortable so I could feel safe and comfortable. (My job was Austin, Justin is an amazing dad but I knew the details of Austin's illness like no other).........Austin's seizures had become little strokes and it was imperative that these be stopped immediately to avoid further damage to his brain....Easy conditions to live under, huh? After everything was ready I remember thinking I should just lay on the couch.....it would be easier, but I knew I wouldn't sleep. My micro management wouldn't allow it. I promised Justin one more time everything would be fine, and I went and laid down. I wrestled with sleep like usual. Hold my breath straining to hear downstairs.....Stress, exhaustion finally giving in to sleep............................................That scream. I flew out of my body and met them at the door. In my flight I looked over at the intercom and saw it was unplugged.....and an pillow rested beside the plug-in.....a pillow fell off my bed and hit the bulky black box plug-in and pulled the intercom cord out of the outlet.......I met them at the door, "Crystal! He's blue! I tried to page you! I tried to page you!" Austin's was limp and blue. His lips. That color. I sprinted past them and yelled bring him down....I don't remember my feet touching the stairs on the way down.....I remember saying in my head "God, make me quick." as I spun the top on the large green oxygen tank and grabbed the emergency meds off the wall and the breathing bag. Justin put Austin in the crib and I got to work. Mom hat off. Nurse hat on. Sternum rub, air way check.....emergency meds administered at 12:15pm, ambulance in route......We made it through that time, but not without some major trauma. To all three of us. I promised Justin it would be okay and I would be there. But it wasn't okay, and I wasn't there. We know it was an accident. He forgave me immediately. I never did, forgive myself, that is. Weird thing about grief. Someone will read this and feel bad for me....But I actually feel better...... Tired. But better.........sometimes you have to just get it all out and let it be where it lies........................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Thank you for letting me word vomit all over your day. I don't know why you read this but you do. And I still feel your love and prayers. So, thank you. With tired love, Austin's mom