With the Heart's Eye

Today, I told someone she had the coolest eyes

To me, they are rare and beautiful and unique

.... to her they have been trouble (medically)......

It made me think of sharing something......

Sometimes what we see is not what everyone else see's... but it is what our heart sees

Ok

I want to share something those of you who did not/couldn't attend Austin’s funeral may not know…………….I have been wanting to share this for a long time and today feels like the day

We were on our way to the visitation. Surreal moment. My beautiful husband and his bloodshot eyes……the deafening silence…….the knots in our stomach……the impending unimaginable……

We were floating on your prayers and with heavy souls we walking inside that building

Walking into that room and seeing his tiny white casket from a distance

Justin stayed back for a second……I walked/flew forward

I should preface this with the following…….

When we left Austin at the hospital after his passing, I was wondering how on earth they were going to make Austin look presentable? I was very concerned and it consumed the majority of my thoughts since we had left him at the hospital.

I ran/walked up to him…..

I held my breath……..

and there he was……

I felt the tingles run through my entire body……not the good tingles……the angry tingles………

Austin’s face was snow white…….not a spot of birthmark…..not a single marking………..

”they put too much makeup on him…….” 

The thought pierced my head like a needle…..I felt my  anger rising deep, deep from my gut…..

how dare they……did they not look at the pictures???   

I felt Justin walking up behind me…..I spun around and snapped…..”they put too much make up on him!.......I don't know who this is.” 

Poor Justin, I didn't even let him absorb anything……

How could this happen!….I looked over at the poster sized picture of my beautiful, big birth-marked son…..and I looked down and saw another version of my Austin…. a version someone else thought was “perfect” (little did I know Who)………

I spun around searching the big empty room for the funeral director…..I tried to contain my pain and rage at him………..

“You put too much makeup on him” the hair on the back of my neck stood…..this must be what a wild animal protecting her offspring feels like, man I was heated

”Crystal, there was no birthmark….even when I picked him up from the hospital…. before I even worked on him.”

“No you don’t understand….this is what he supposed to look like"…..I pointed at the gargantuan picture….

“Can we lift up his shirt……"(I was still scared to touch him at that point) "I can show you what color he should be……….."

“Sure….but……….”

I didn’t hear anything after that…….he lifted his shirt…..and there….on his chest…

the same snow white color as on his face……..

”They wouldn’t put makeup on his chest……” 

the thought washed over me like a warm smile, a bright light………

Austins birthmark was gone………everything……..his chest, his back, his leg, his toes, his face and head……all gone, every spot of it………

He was in his Heavenly body……….

His lack of birthmark could probably be explained by science…..but this was not science……this was just another sign…..perhaps the biggest sign………

Austin has no more birthmark and  no more seizures in Heaven….

no more medicine and glaucoma surgeries in Heaven……

no more pokes and endocrine issues in Heaven……

no more neuroblastoma cancer scares and scalp IV’s in Heaven,

no more G-tube and aspiration in Heaven……

no more trachea malasia and 15 doses of medication a day in Heaven……

no more oxygen issues and no more muscle issues in Heaven………..

no

more

pain..in Heaven