Flat

I went to a catholic retreat a little over a week ago. It resolved many of my issues I had with God. I remember Momma J asked if I would come to this retreat and I said "I'm pretty upset with God Im not sure if that is a great place for me to be. We are not really friends right now God and I" Her response was "then you really should come." So I did. It was amazing. I feel a peace with my relationship with Him. I am so grateful for that.
I have been struggling. Im tired of struggling. Two steps forward 2.5 back. I need to go back to Austin's birth, relive that and feel that worry and stress and the unknown. I need to go back to Austin's first seizure at 12 days old and relive that. I need to go back to walking, with my tiny new baby in my arms, into the ICU...the smell....the sounds......the temperature....the blood draws.....I need to go back to bringing 5 medicines home trying to get him to drink them and watching him choke and gag and aspirate. I need to go back to him stopping breathing and turning grey and then blue. I need to go back to all of these and thousands more of these events. This is painful and I dont want to. But I have to. I have to walk through these things, but I feel I have God with me to help me through now......maybe thats why I haven't began this process yet.....I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. I need Him and His divine help. The longer I wait to process these things the more panic I feel. I lay in bed and I see terrible things we went through.....terrible specific things.. like how his face looked when he was seizing...the panic in his eyes when he would stop breathing, his cry drown out by the bag when I would resuscitate him and he was coming back around.....The time I couldn't find the bag and did mouth to mouth...watching them take him away before surgeries...........These images seared into my mind flare up, and burn down days at a time. Catching a glimpse of the newspaper headline 'Seize the day'....the word Seize......twinge in my heart......well, there goes that day...
I am learning that just one of the hundreds of events we endured would cripple a person.....How am I going to sift through all of this?
I want to be done now. I don't want to get knocked on my ass over and over and over again.....Yes, I get back up...every time.......big deal.. but now I am like beaten puppy flinching at everything anticipating the next blow.......its been 8 months......why does it feel like month one.........time sucks...................Going to Austin's grave used to give me a sense of peace....now it makes me sad....WHICH IS IT? now that isn't even consistent for me?
How can I feel at peace with God, and comfort in His love....Yet struggle soooo much.......I know the cross I bear is heavy and I know God helps me carry it....makes it lighter for me.....but I think, up until now, I have not admitted I even had a cross......so no matter how much God helps me lighted my cross.....it still is a cross.......

My therapist told me something beautiful.... "Crystal...before.... you were a lovey, purple, mold of clay in the shape of a cup.....This trama has smashed you down flat.....but guess what........ you're still clay...you're still lovely....... and you're still purple....who knows what you'll be next?......maybe a beautiful vase?...maybe a figurine?....will you ever been that cup that you were before?.....no.....you may become something even better......." (I'm paraphrasing)

Right now I am the flat part before I am formed again....I ask you for your prayers for God's hands to mold me into what he want me to be...........perhaps a tea cup?
 Thanks for listening.....I feel a little better....I love you all