Why do I write now only when I am in pain. Surely it would be much better for people to read if it was happy or upbeat, but then I remember grief doesn't care. So I guess I dont either. I can't be the only person feeling this. I just can't.
Just as every day has a night, so has my grief. The dark is inevitable and cold, and lonely. Does it feel better knowing the day will break....no. It doesn't help me right now. The rumble of the clouds wash over me, and I am again reminded of the ocean. My thoughts go to the ocean often during both times of joy and sadness. But the difference is the ocean at night verses at day....Same location two very different looking landscapes. Washing relentless waves, beating my skin raw. It doesn't care my flesh is broken and stinging from the salt. It doesn't care. When do your tears dry up? I used to think it was when my mascara was completely wiped off and freshly absorbed into my sleeve and shirt collar. But they dont. They keep coming. They dont care. Its Easter time and what is everywhere? My Kryptonite. Little toddler suits and bow ties and suspenders. Twinges of jealousy. That is a new feeling. Jealousy. Not with people I know. Just on commercials or random people at Target with their healthy happy babies. Yes, I know everyone has a story or battle blah blah blah blah. That is not helping me. I dont care. I am selfish in my pain right now. I hate this side of how I feel. I avoid it and try to ignore it. But apparently that is not healthy in this process. I can't see all my gifts in my life through all my tears. Its blurring my reality. These damn tears. They dont care. The song at HomeDepot. The boy named Austin ringing up my purchase. The Bow ties and suspenders. The new babies. These damn tears. They dont care. People care. I DO know people care.
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