A letter to God

A letter to God

As you know, our relationship is still in its early stages. With most relationships the majority of people are on their best behavior, they are polite, they show their best side. Not you and I. We began our relationship in the middle of a shit storm. I had just given birth to a very sick baby with an incurable disease that would take his life. How could this happen? I found you God, Oh, I found you. Not in the beautiful angel singing, dropping to your knees and testifying kind of way, but in a rage. I needed to direct my pain and rage at you. I had nowhere else to dispense it. After all, you did this. You took my dreams and you ripped them apart. I watched my husbands beautiful, youthful heart break right in front of my bloodshot eyes. You hurt my child. You tried to give me signs, always. Some days, I pretended not to see them just to spite you. So your signs became more dramatic. Such as the one below...this was the view from the ICU. Visible sign says "Heaven"

You must know me, I need it in my face. I wasn't able to chalk up these signs to coincidences any longer. You made it too clear. You made it clear you were here, and you weren't going anywhere, no matter the volume of venom I spewed at you. A short time passed and in between the panic, seizures and glaucoma surgeries, Austin had his first smile. This was his first smile.

He developed a personality. He knew who we were, he did cute baby things, he loved us and we felt it.......

. and my sharp edges of rage blurred. Would I have been so excited about all these things if he wasn't sick? Probably not. When you have the basics taken from you. (water, shelter, a healthy child) It is so much sweeter when you get it back. Every single thing Austin did was amazing. The doctors continued to paint a gloomy yet "realistic" picture, Austin continued to shine through. Here God, is where I began to see your work.

Someday I will share with everyone else all the signs you  have given me, and continue to give me. Most will not believe, but I don't care. A spiritually journey is an understatement. How can our relationship (376 days of Austin's life + the 42 days since he has passed) feel so much in fast-forward? I feel like we have been through so much in such as short time........But..... we are still together.......I am not sure we are BFFs yet, but Austin wants me to learn to let go and trust you. So thats what I will continue to try to do.