In the still.... everything echos

We received a bereavement package in the mail recently. It is overwhelming. It has been sitting on the table for several days. My eyes catch a word here and a sentence there as I rush by in my day to day housework. I'm not ready to look at it. I don't want to put it away, I don't want it to be out of sight out of mind. So there it sits. I need to digest it slowly. A front page of a pamphlet here, a foreword of a book there.
Austin has been gone for 52 days now. I wonder when or if I will ever lose sight of that number. Will that be like forgetting him? What will happen when I don't think of him 94 times in a day? What happens when it's only 52 or 17? Things are really beginning to hurt now. I am finding it harder to step away when I feel that lump in my throat. I almost broke down in tears at my gym/bootcamp. Like the physical exertion is taking away the energy from being emotionally tough. The everlasting question "why" has returned. Now we just sit in that. Chloe and I had a beautiful time in California with JoLynn and Nicole. It was very important we went to visit them and clear our head. Now upon my return, I feel forced to deal with the weight of everything. Chloe is becoming more emotional when we go visit Austin. SHe says she "misses her daddy and her austie." Dad, of course, is at work. She asks more intelligent questions. More like statements. " I want him to come back into my house." Breaks our hearts. She so simply and purely articulates our pain. I think its time to bring in some help. We will attend a support group. Maybe they can help us from there. I still see you, God. I am still in tune with your signs. We received a beautiful gift (one of the many) on my toughest day. I know that wasn't a coincidence. These gifts are so beautiful and so on point. We are so blessed but still so broken.