Haunted

I know it's time to write again when I shut my eyes and I play back Austin's last 4 hours of life. I am feeling haunted. We went to visit Austin late last night. We shone our car headlights on his grave. It was chilly out. It was dark. All I wanted to do was dig him up. Fuck a shovel, my rage and pain could drive my hands through the dirt 6 feet. He's all by himself down there, he's cold, it's dark. No Crystal his body is there but his soul is not. But he's right there. I just want to hold him and tell him how sorry I am. You did nothing wrong Crystal. He is at peace, he is healed. I am feeling haunted. Haunted by leaving him in that hospital bed after he passed and walking out with my empty car seat. I am haunted by positioning his lifeless body in that big bed. I am haunted by folding his blue cold hands in prayer and propping pillows around him to keep him in place. I am haunted by walking out without him. I pushed his empty stroller down the hallways. I pressed my forehead to the handle I had no strength to lift my head. I couldn't bear seeing peoples facing as they came to realization what we were going through.  I am haunted by Chloe laying in Austins crib when I got home and her kicking his toy which made his song play. I am haunted. I am haunted by seeing Austin in his casket and his pillow slid down a little exposing his 21 staples holding his head together. I am haunted by seeing some embalming fluid leaking on his white sheet in his casket. I am haunted by how cold he was as I kissed him in his casket. I am haunted by the fluid coming out of his nose after we held him for 4 hours after he had passed.  My energy is gone. My smile is gone. My peace is gone. I have no idea who I am. I am no longer excited about reinventing myself. Everyone, including myself, loves a come back story. But I am just lost. I am the opposite of numb. I feel everything, and it is amplified. Things that used to bring a sign of peace like someone named Austin, or a superman logo, just regurgitate the pain. Waves of nausea. Why does everyone else with Sturge Weber live? Why? Why was our case so bad? We donated Austins brain and neuro cells to the Sturge weber foundation. I pray they find more about why we had it so bad.
      By nature I am not a trusting person. Some people trust until there is a reason not to. I do not trust until you show me you are trustworthy. How can I trust you God? How can I have faith? Sometimes I reach for signs and give you credit, but it is not you. It is just my wishful thinking. I was not a person that needed to "slow down and enjoy the small things" my dad taught me from a young age that life is short and to drink it all in..........I didn't need that lesson God. What are you doing? I have been through enough in my life before this. How dare you. My heart could start a thousand fires. I do pray that my feelings change. But this is where you and I are at right now. So deal with it.